Cute Plastic Surgeons and the Mighty Middle Finger

Here we are, the end of another year. 2013 has come with it's share of challenges, that's for sure. But I can't say it's been all bad. To highlight the positive aspects of 2013, I must include my husband's graduation from nursing school and subsequent move back to Tucson from Oklahoma. The move to the bigger house topped off the summer, followed by his getting a job as an RN. This fall I transferred to a trauma unit at my hospital where I'm sure I would be very happy to work as trauma is in my blood. I looooove trauma! Ya know, in a nurse kind of way. You see, I only worked on my new unit for 5 weeks. Then I had my mastectomy and haven't been back to work since. Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. The normal life that you once had takes on a new "normal" and you forget your old normal life. 

For instance, I can't remember what it's like to sleep on my side or stomach. I can't remember what real boobs feel like, as these suckers are high and hard and have no cleavage. I can't remember the wonderful feeling of taking my bra off at the end of a busy day because these expanders are like wearing an iron bra...all the time. I constantly have to worry about getting an infection or getting sick because my weak immune system can't fight these things off. My new "normal" involves drinking a gritty cocktail of Glutamine powder 3 times a day to help stave off side effects. It involves juicing, making healthy smoothies, not eating too much sugar, eliminating (almost completely) all alcohol, controlling diarrhea, keeping hydrated, and fighting the worst acne of my life. Oh! And monitoring the hair that falls from my head and obsessing over when the day will come that I shave my head. 

The sad part is, I forget how to be a nurse. I'm scared to go back to work because I feel like I have forgotten. With this chemo brain fog, I feel like I can't be a good, safe nurse. Hell, I fail at every day activities (my husband has "funny" stories), there's no way I can hold someone's life in my hands. I know that it's not my fault, and I know that I just need to concentrate on my recovery but I just want my old life back. I appreciate the perspective I've gained by having cancer and going through this treatment but I'm afraid I'll never be the same. Maybe that's a good thing. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm not arguing against that at all. I guess I just hope I can go back to nursing soon and start my new "normal" life, whatever that is. 

So on Friday I saw my plastic surgeon. I figured, while I'm going through chemo, I'll start my expander fills again. I planned on doing 100cc a month until I liked the size and then wait for surgery in the Spring. Well he put the kabash on that real quick! He very gently explained to me in a "you're a nurse, you should know this but I'm going to humor you" kind of way that due to chemo, my tissues won't heal and so why would we stretch skin and muscle and everything else with no hope that those tissues will heal from the trauma. See! I can't be trusted with my own health, let alone the health of a total stranger! It's a good thing my surgeon is sweet and cute, otherwise I'd be mad at him for patronizing me. I guess someone needs to point out the moments when I'm thinking like a total idiot. 

Tomorrow I go for my fourth chemo infusion. I really like the Cancer Center and I'm thinking that may be my new career choice once I'm healed. My favorite part of being a nurse is getting to know my patients and being a part of their lives, seeing them get better or comforting them if they get worse. The Cancer Center is all about that. It's definitely something I will think about over the next few months. Until then, I have a date with an oncology nurse every Tuesday for the next 9 weeks. 

Cheers and the middle finger to 2013! See ya next year :)