Happy freakin' New Year! I'm happy to say that 2013 is over! I spent the ordinarily festive occasion of the changing of the years at home with my family and was in bed by 9:30 p.m. Of course sleep didn't come until almost 1:00 a.m. thanks in part to the steroids from my chemo treatment that day but mostly due to the fact that my teenager was out with friends. As the hubby and I listened to the scanner for motor vehicle crashes that involved teenagers, I ponder why I even let him go out on such a notoriously crazy and sometimes deadly night. You want to give them freedom to make their own decisions but are terrified of the consequences of possible mistakes. Needless to say, I feel fast asleep once I heard the door shut and his big feet climb the stairs. Being the parent of teenagers is tough!
I don't ordinarily make New Year's resolutions. I believe they set you up for failure. So this year I have made a "try" list. I will "try" to be a better friend, I will "try" to live a healthy lifestyle and exercise as much as possible and I will "try to do things that make me happy. Less stress that way. That doesn't mean I take the challenge any less serious, but when I have a bad day, or a bad week or a bad month, I can always say that I will "try" to do better tomorrow. Less pressure. So far, I'm off to a good start. I walked my dog today. And I went shopping for scarves and makeup which made me happy. So, yay me!
Yesterday marked a milestone in my chemo treatment. I shaved my head. Well actually, my husband shaved it for me. My hair had been falling out in large clumps for a few days. It got so thin that I could see my scalp and I couldn't style it at all. So I took the bull by the horns and had my hubby shave my head. As much as I thought I was prepared for the event, I was terrified. The thought of losing a huge part of my identity was really scary! I've always hated my hair. Like most women do, we all want what we can't have. I've always had thin, straight hair that was bland and boring and I always wanted long brown locks. But all of a sudden, that hair that I hated became really important to me. I've seen plenty of pictures of women going through chemo with their beautiful bald heads and thought, "I won't look like them, I will look like a freak." My husband gently shaved all of the hair off my head and I felt it fall down my back. Then it was my turn to shave his head. I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted on being bald with me. "We're a team and I've got your back", he said. When I looked in the mirror after it was over, I wasn't as freaked out as I had imagined I would be. He kissed me on the top of my bald head and told me how beautiful I look. I couldn't ask for more than that.
As I took a shower to wash all of the hair off of my body, I noticed how strange the water felt hitting my head and running down my body. I wonder how long I will try to wash my hair or tuck it behind my ear before it hits me that it's gone. The next thing I noticed when I stepped out of the shower was how damn cold it is! Geez, how do my bald male friends not freeze to death? I took extra time to apply make-up and put on nice earrings and I have to say, I didn't hate how I looked. It felt so liberating to be bald! I can't say that I'm totally comfortable going out of the house without my head covered but I did snap a selfie of myself and my bald hubby and posted it on Facebook. That took a lot, because I'm so self conscious about my appearance. I received the most loving comments and support a girl could ever ask for. It's such a confidence booster to have people that you haven't seen in 25 years tell you that you look beautiful. But what's even better, is hearing it from those closest to you. With the exception of my 9 year old son who says I look creepy and is afraid to touch my head, I've had such positive responses to being bald. It's not a look I would do just for fun, but I gotta say, I'm going to enjoy the low-maintenance life for as long as it lasts.
Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time in 10 weeks. I won't be doing my normal RN duties and I won't be on my own unit the whole time and this will be the true test of my confidence. I'm hoping to be able to work as much as possible so I hope my chemo side effects remain tolerable. I need to go back to work, not just for financial reasons, but for my own sanity. I need to get back to some type of "normal" life. I'm blessed to have a job that works with me and will find things for me to do but also understands if I can't come in one day because I feel like crap. My old pre-cancer life seems so long ago. I guess that's the great thing about being human...we adapt. Because, what choice do we have?
I think it's a natural reaction for women to feel devastated with the loss of their hair, so your reaction is to be expected. Most especially because you spent years having your hair grow and now they’re just falling away. However, I think you can consider it as kind of a new start because after surviving through this, which I’m sure you will, you will be a changed and a more beautiful woman. :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda Mazzocchi @ Good Look Ink