Scars and bandannas and wigs...oh my!

As we very rapidly approach Christmas, it dawns on me. This is the first year in a long time that I haven't been stressed about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, I still hate the traffic. I still hate the pressure. I still worry about not having enough money. But this year, I haven't let it get to me. All of the same pressures and frustrations are still there. But this year, I don't care. Funny how having cancer really puts life into perspective. Yes, this sounds cliche' but it's also very true. It has taught me very quickly to let go of the things that I cannot change and concentrate on what I can.

Take for instance, my hair. Since I found out that I need chemo, I have been preparing myself for the inevitable hair loss. I know that it's going to happen and I've researched scarves and turbans and have purchased a few fun wigs. I look at myself in the mirror wearing the wigs and I see a stranger. They're not me. I can't change that I have cancer, so why try to disguise it? Cancer has given me scars too. I'm proud of my scars, it means that I fought a battle and survived. While it's not socially acceptable to show them off (your welcome), it is ok to go bald or wear a scarf. While it may get me looks of pity ("poor woman, she must have cancer. She's so young!"), I'd rather be bald or wear a bandanna. I don't want to cover it up with pretty blonde (itchy) ringlets, pretending it doesn't exist. I will wear my ugly bald head proudly (with pretty accessorized bandanas!)

The doctor told me that I would probably lose my hair sometime after the third infusion, which for me is on Christmas Eve...tomorrow. It's funny because whenever I wash my hair or pull it back into a ponytail, I imagine the day when I will be holding it in my hands as it comes out in clumps. While this may sound scary to most people, for me it will be a relief. I can shave my head and get it over with and move on with my life. I've been educated on the side effects of my chemo and each day I take inventory of my mind and my body to see what the poison has done to me. Losing my hair is just an item to be checked off the list, along with mouth sores, blurry vision, brain fog and numbness in my fingers that have already staked a claim. 

Cancer is an evil bitch. In order to fight her, it requires the use of weapons that rob women of all that they hold dear, their vanity. Well Cancer, you can have my boobs and leave me with scars.  You can have my hair and leave me to wear scarves. But in the end, I will have fabulous foobs and my hair will grow back. And I will be a much stronger woman because of it. 

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!