Weathering the storm

It's been just over a month since my last post. A lot has happened and I just haven't had the inspiration to write lately. My hubby and I drove to Oklahoma and took his ailing mom home in the care of Hospice where she died 9 days later, in her own bed. It was difficult seeing her hang on for so long, refusing medications to ease her transition to the other side. She finally gave up the fight on February 13. That trip was a mix of emotions, ending with anger and frustration at the greed and insensitivity of family members. But we have decided to put those people and that part of our life behind us and keep moving forward.

I missed a chemo treatment while we were out of town and honestly, I haven't felt so good since I started treatment. But all good things must come to an end, I returned home to a new chemo regimen. My Taxol was causing an awful rash since I tapered off of the nasty steroids, so I was switched to a drug called Abraxane. All I gotta say is, I'm glad I wasn't on this drug through my entire treatment because it's side effects are worse than the other. I now have no eyelashes and very few eyebrows and 5 of my fingernails are only attached by a small amount of skin. I keep them polished so as not to see the damage underneath but it's really painful to accidentally catch them on things. I'm gonna end up having to tape them down or just rip them off and start growing new ones. Either way, it's just one more thing that makes me look like a freak.

I have adapted to the "no-hair" thing and I even go without bandannas most of the time now. I'm comfortable being bald and people's stares no longer get to me (except on a rare day of insecurity). But this "no-eyelash" thing has me freaked out. I LOOK like a cancer patient now. There's no denying it. There's no chance that I could be mistaken for a girl who just decided to be a rebel and go bald. Nope. I have had some success with drawing my eyebrows on with a makeup pencil but my attempt at false eyelashes has failed miserably. They look fake and all I can see in my visual field is eyelashes. So I've resorted to being a hermit, only leaving the house when necessary. I currently have an excuse to stay home as I'm either having a huge issue with the blooming plants and trees or I have caught a cold. And adding no nose hair to my list of dignity-stealers causes my nose to constantly run off my face.

I've never been much of a TV watcher but since being home-bound and constantly exhausted, I've managed to become addicted to NCIS and NCIS-LA. Not to mention, I'm now a huge fan of Bethenny, Dr. Oz and Ellen. However, I'm not sure how long I can stand not working and being a recluse. I love being outdoors and I miss people. I crave non-children contact. I spend a lot of time on my back porch in my swing which will suffice for now but I seriously need adult interaction!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. My last chemo is tomorrow and then the healing will begin! This is a huge deal.  It means my hair can start growing back. It means I can go in public again without worrying about what I might catch. It means I can start exercising again and lose all of this weight I've gained by being inactive for 5 months. It means I can start my tissue expansion again in my chest and finally have surgery to get my new boobs! It means...I can get my life back! Not my old life, because that's not possible. Having cancer gives you a new perspective on life and you can never go back to your pre-cancer life. I guess what I mean is I get a new life to start over. I don't know what the future holds. But I've learned to deal with what life throws at you and that nothing is ever easy. This is, and will continue to be, the toughest fight of my life. I continue to surprise myself with what I can handle. But I know I'm stronger than cancer.